I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
