dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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