Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.