textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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