I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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