I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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