Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
