so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
