Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
