Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
