We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
