She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
