I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
