Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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