life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
