I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
