I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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