Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
