Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
