Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
