I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
