he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
