I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
