She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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