What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
