And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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