I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I looked at my own cervix.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
