atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
