wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
barbara walters just said penis...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
