the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
