turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
