Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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