My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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