I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
