You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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