He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
