checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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