tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
