carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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