I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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