My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
