at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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