my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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