Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
