you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
