I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
