hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
