I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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