no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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