Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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