I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
