we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
not ubering you a puppy
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
