she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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