I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
